I haven’t written on here in a long time. I really want to get back to writing on here again. Also…I haven’t officially posted on here about Lainey’s little brother, so I thought I should. We are beyond excited about expecting her little brother in Jan. His due date it Jan 10th 2014. Yesterday we got to see him through a 4D ultrasound. We never had one of those with Lainey, but we decided to do one with him because we didn’t want to miss out on seeing him a little bit more. We also know how precious life is and my parents really wanted us to do the video to have as a keepsake. I posted a link to his 4D ultrasound in the post before this one. He is adorable and we can’t wait to meet him, as I know everyone else in our families are thrilled as well.
4D ultrasound of Harrison, Lainey’s little brother on the way!
October 22, 2013
After losing Lainey, I am no longer the same person. I don’t think the same way and I don’t want all the same things that I use to want. There are so many times where others believe that I have pushed them out of their life when really all it is is that I don’t think of texting, calling, messaging, or stopping by to talk to someone. My main thoughts are “How am I going to make it through today?”, “What am I going to do today in memory of Lainey?”…
It’s hard to continue on with life after losing Lainey. Anyone that has lost their child would tell you the same thing. We are not crazy, we are grieving and when you lose your child, it feels as if your torn apart and trying to put yourself back together but unable to because you can no long be completely whole. I am like a puzzle with a missing piece.
I know that many assume that I just don’t care about them anymore, but that is not the case. My heart is even softer than it was before. I care about people even more than I use to. I do not take others for granted anymore.
But what others do realize is that I sometimes have a hard time just getting myself out of bed and actually thinking about calling, texting, messaging, or stopping by takes a lot. I don’t like getting out of the house half of the time. I like to stay at home because that is where I got to hold Lainey last, it’s where I had those wonderful moments with her. It is where I read to her, sang to her, cuddled with her, watched tv with her, blogged with her, played with her, loved on her, swung her, watched her as she stared at her mobile. It is where I feel close to her.
I am very much a home body these days and would prefer to sit and sew all day..or lay in bed and cuddle with Lainey bear…or just sit in Lainey’s room and think of how it would be if she were here.
I know that one day I will be able to think about more than just getting up and making it each second, but that is how it is.
Grief comes and goes and without any warning at all…
There are so many things that set off grief that sometimes staying at home makes it easier because I am able to grieve in my own way…
March 17, 2013…
A year and a little less than a month ago, we were sitting in the doctor office waiting to find out if a little boy or a little girl would be joining our family. It was then that we would be able to start decorating a nursery and picking out clothes. As we sat there, we felt so much joy. Matt and I kept going back and forth about if we were having a boy or girl. Matt was certain we were having a girl and I was still unsure. When we found out we were having a girl, we got to start planning the hopes and dreams we had for her. To be healthy and loved for sure and then we thought maybe we would have her follow her mommy in figure skating or do gymnastics or maybe she would be a tomboy and want to play softball and climb trees. We were so ready for her to be here to hug and hold. Through all of the ultrasounds and listening to hear heart, never once did the doctors find any reasons to question her health. Every time we listened to her heartbeat the doctor would say the same thing “Such a beautiful sound and healthy”. Who would have thought that when she was born we would have to say goodbye so soon because she wasn’t as healthy as they had thought.
Last year…we also thought about all the holidays of the next year and when she would really get to start to enjoy the Christmas and Birthday presents, Easter Egg Hunts, Thanksgiving gatherings to be spoiled, and so much more. We kept thinking of how much our lives were going to change with her again and we were so excited. Little did we know how much our lives were about to change.
We had no idea that we would only have 1 month and 8 days with her. I will cherish that 1 month and those 8 days with Lainey. I wish that I could push a rewind button on my life every day..I would go back and live in those moments. I miss her so much.
I never knew how much grief could wear you down, how it takes over your life, and how it can tear you down. There are so many days that I would rather just stay in bed, but I choose to get up and try to continue to live my life because now I want to live for Lainey. I want to continue to do things in her memory. I want to honor her and to help others who have experienced or will experience the grief that I am going through. I want others to know that I care and that I am here for them, that they are NOT alone.
Although life is not how I want it, I will continue to wake up each day reminding myself that I will choose healing and be patient with my grief.
I will also pray that the Lord will one day bless Matt and I with another child that he will allow us to take care of here on earth.
I am entangled in all of my grief and having a hard time making it day to day. I feel as if I am a cat that started playing with a ball of yarn and now I’m stuck in the middle of it and don’t have a clue how to get out of it, so instead of fighting it, I just give up and lay there as a cat might..waiting for someone to help me untangle myself.
This is the life I now live…nothing will ever change it. I will forever be changed and I will forever face the challenge of dealing with my grief. I will find ways to comfort myself, but I will always end up getting tangled up in my grief. Because as all “baby loss moms” know…you try to make it through the days with smile, but for every good day you have, a bad day will follow.
If you don’t grieve enough, it will catch up with you and be twice as bad. It is better to grieve every day than to grieve once a week or month. If you don’t allow yourself to grieve the pain grows unbearable and you become a piece of glass that will shatter into a million pieces when that one person says something or when you see something that you just can’t handle.
I still can’t handle seeing others pregnant. I also can’t be around babies that are 6 and a half months or under. It tears me to pieces because all I think about is how Lainey should be growing and all of the things she should be doing. All of the things that Matt and I should be enjoying with her.
Life is not that same…and it never will be…it was forever changed on July 20, 2012 and even more so on August 28, 2012.
Love and miss you, Lainey Bug…
I haven’t written this blog, not because I don’t want to, but because it’s hard to think about how Christmas should have been. Before Lainey was born I was already getting her Christmas gifts and so excited. Lainey had outfits picked out, toys picked out, books, and more! It was going to be a wonderful Christmas with our sweet Lainey. It was still a wonderful Christmas, but instead of being super excited about it..I kind of dreaded it. I didn’t want to wake up and have to celebrate without her. I didn’t want to have to go to her grave site and give her presents to her. I wanted her to be in my arms to hug and hold, but she still had the best Christmas ever. She got to spend it with Jesus. I can’t even imagine how wonderful Christmas was for her, but I know that she was having a great day in Heaven with all of the other angels. We missed Lainey so much, but I put a smile on my face and we still made wonderful memories.
It was wonderful to see that Lainey was still remembered and that others wanted to let us know that they still cared and thought about us often. It really meant a lot to me to get cards for Lainey for Christmas. I believe that I will do this every year because it helped me with my grieving process. It allowed me to sit, cry, and see that others still really do care about us and think of Lainey. It made me smile when I walked out to my mail box and get a card addressed to “Lainey Fisher”. It made me feel as if she was still here. I know that she is with me every day. I can feel her presence. She helps me get up every day and remember that I have to continue on with life even though at times I wish that I were already in Heaven with her. I miss her so much and can’t believe that she wasn’t here for Christmas. I am very happy that she got to have the best Christmas ever though, with Jesus Christ himself! I bet it was the most beautiful day ever for her. 🙂
Miss you and Love you, Lainey bug!
The months keep going and the pain keeps on growing. The grief is not easy to deal with and at times it comes out not so nice. I can’t believe that Lainey is now 5 months old, I just wish she were here and I could be watching her grow. It was dark when Matt got home on Lainey’s 5 month birthday, so we decided to celebrate at the house and then go out the next day to celebrate at her resting place.
Lainey bear, her lovey, and her cupcake! 🙂 We got red velvet!
Even Ajax got to have a bite!
Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you, Lainey. These days after you left us have been extremely hard and seem to only be getting harder. Although I don’t cry every day I feel almost angry at times. I try not to be, but anxiety, stress, and grief continue to build up in me. Hopefully when I intern it will keep my mind busy and allow me to not be so upset all the time.
Miss you and Love you, Lainey Bug! Happy 5 Month Birthday!!