It has been almost 4 months since Lainey has passed away and the days seem easier at times and harder at other times.
Making the smallest decisions can make me break down.
Being around infants makes me uneasy, all I can think about is how I wish it was Lainey that I was holding or that others were “oogling” over.
It drives me nuts how people will go out of their way for someone who just had a healthy baby, but they won’t for someone that has lost a baby. (This is something I have seen for myself and also for some of my other angel mom friends.)
Not many people understand me or even try to understand me.
I have really learned who my true friends are during this.
I think many people think I should go out of my way to talk to them, but half the time I can’t think about who I should be talking to because getting myself to function every day is already a bigger task than anyone will ever understand.
I cry because I am grieving and that’s that…I don’t need medication because I’m “insane”. As my OBGYN told me, it’s all natural and even a year or 20 years into this, I will still cry as if it just happened yesterday.
Sometimes I don’t want to be bothered and other times I need someone to just say “I’m thinking about you.”
The holidays make things 10 times harder. At times I just want to curl up in a ball and hide.
I am thankful for my husband and puppy who can make me smile and make bad days turn into good days.
I’m not CRAZY or INSANE or DEPRESSED, I’m grieving and this is my way of doing it…don’t talk to me like I’m a lunatic, please.
I believe that I am doing good and making it through the days as best as I can and sometimes I’m doing even better than I ever imagined.
I go to Lainey’s grave to find comfort. It’s one place that I feel really close to her.
I sleep with her lovey because it always makes me feel closer to her since she also sleeps with her lovey in her resting place.
I am always going to cry at random moments and I never know when I will have that break down.
I believe in God and he is giving lots of strength to make it day to day.
I am thankful for mine and Matt’s family.
I am so glad that I have met other Angel Moms because without them I don’t think that I could function. I am glad that I can tell them exactly how I feel and they don’t look at me like I’m crazy.
I am ready for January so I can intern and hopefully keep my mind busy.
Elaine Lily Fisher 
Sweetheart, I think of Lainey too every time I see a new baby. It is not fair that her loving earthly family is making do without her. Still remembering you all in my daily prayers, and trusting God that all is according to His plan. Christmas is hard when you have lost someone. We light candles for each lost family member during the holidays, and talk about what they meant to us or read letters to them. We all cry and it does help. I also try to do a pay-it-forward in a loved one’s name, as you are doing with your loveys. God promises we will be reunited eventually. But it can be a long wait! God bless, Jules
I don’t know you but saw a photo of your precious baby girl which led me to your blog! I began reading and my heart broke for you. What a beautiful baby you had the blessing to be a mommy to. I have never gone through what you have and so what I would like to share with you is that many people who haven’t walked your difficult road just don’t know what to say. It is a hard thing for both sides. I am a teacher/mom/writer/bible study leader and so I am sometimes able to get across what I would like to say and hopefully help or give comfort. I am going to pray for you because the pain you feel truly has to be the most difficult thing you will have to do in your lifetime. It is okay to be angry at times because even Jesus got angry in the temple, we are just told not to sin in our anger and you are not doing that. I just wanted to let you know that while you may have those times of loneliness and feel that others don’t seem to care, it may just be that they just don’t know what to say because they feel so bad which makes it awkward for them. I take comfort in knowing that my precious babies (I had 2 miscarriages) are being cared for by the best parent of all, Our God Almighty! I look forward to being reunited with them when God brings me home. God Bless you and encourage you in the days, weeks and months to come.
I just came across this on fb. I have never lost a child. I thank Jesus for that! You are not crazy! My daughter is 25 and just had her second miscarriage. I know it doesn’t compare at all to what you’ve been through and are still dealing with. But both times she miscarried I mourned that baby like I couldn’t believe! I would have a 5 year old grandbaby and another on the way in May! I guess what I’m trying to say is we all deal with things different. We all mourn different things and differently! I’ve mourned the ending of a relationship recently. Nobody should tell you what, how or how long to mourn to hurt or when yo stop if at all! God bless you! I’d be honored to be your friend! And God bless your beautiful little love bug! She is always in your heart!
I saw a picture of your beautiful daughter on Facebook and went to your site. I lost two babies back to back, none full term, did not have the presence of mind to ask for the remains until later assuming they would be buried, only to be told otherwise. no words of sympathy, nothing, When a coworker delievered a still born infant i made sure my coworkers responded. She really appreciated it. One of them explained to me that they didn’t know what to do and hadn’t wanted to offend. I think that is ususally the case, so they avoid and say nothing. I too was told that my mourning was normal by my OBGYN, that i was not going nuts. My arms were empty but my heart was full. Your baby is precious. I am so glad you had a chance to meet her, love her and hold her. I am grateful that you can share her with all of us. Others need to know about special angels and about how we all mourn. Bless you.
I love you Monica…..everytime I come here and read I still cry uncontrollably….I can’t imagine what you as her Mom goes through. I pray the Lord helps ease your pain.
She is beautiful and will always be a part of your life..Always remember GOD chose you to be her mommy and that is what you will always be…She is truly a beautiful ANGEL…You take as long as you want and need to grieve,,no matter what anyone tells you…You are a very strong woman and GOD will always be there for you… GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY…